Adolescence (11-18)
Adolescence is a time of much physical, emotional, and intellectual growth in a person’s life. In early adolescence, children begin to leave behind their child-like thinking and think more often like adults. They often think about abstract ideas, relationships, and their lives. This is not something that happens all of a sudden or in one certain moment of time. Children will go back and forth in their abilities to think this way. This can lead to much confusion for them and for all of us around them.
The physical changes that come with puberty may cause confusion and anxiety for adolescents. At this stage in his life, your adolescent may need extra support from family, and medical personnel, including mental health care professionals. It may also help to put your child in touch with adults who have DSDs, so he can see that people like him have “survived” adolescence and done well.
The fast physical changes that happen to your child during puberty can catch her off guard. It is important to prepare your child and yourself for the changes that will occur during puberty by educating her and yourself in advance. If you have been talking with your child throughout her childhood about gender, sexuality, and her DSD, it will be easier for you to discuss puberty and sexual maturity. If you have not been talking, now is the time you really need to get that talking going. Your child will likely want you to help her understand what is going on with her body, and to assure her she is okay. The resource section at the end of the handbook suggests books on educating adolescents about pubertal physical changes, body image, dating, and sexuality.
Adolescent development affects more than your child’s body. You may notice that your child is more prone to mood swings and emotional outbursts during this time. It is difficult on any child to go through this mix of physical changes, mental changes, and role changes. If your child is showing a lot of mood changes, remember that this is common for adolescents. Even though it may be difficult, try to find a way to sit down with your child often so you can give him or her a chance to talk about his or her feelings, interests, and concerns. Try to take all of them seriously. Listen and do not spend a lot of energy judging him or her. If your child feels like he or she will be judged every time you talk, your child will avoid talking with you.
Many adolescents are self-conscious and critical of themselves. Adolescents are very concerned about their physical appearance. Many worry about being too fat or not having stylish enough clothes. Although people expect girls to worry about their appearance more than boys, many boys have the same worries during adolescence. Try to be balanced. Ask yourself whether you are asking a girl about her appearance too often, while you are not asking a boy about his opinion of this at all. You may tell children at this age that you understand the social pressure to “look right,” and ask them if they are feeling that pressure. Their thoughts about this will help them talk more about their self-esteem (how they are feeling about themselves). Not all teens will struggle much with these issues. If your teen does struggle and suffer a lot from this struggle, there are many ways to help him or her. Seeking assistance from a professional counselor or therapist is often beneficial.
Adolescents notice that they are becoming more and more like adults both physically and mentally. They begin to long for independence from their parents. It is common at this age for children to start to pull themselves back from their families in search of independence and identities of their own. It is also common for early adolescents to be embarrassed to be seen in public with their families. Even in your own house, you may find your child telling you he wants more space and time alone. You may pass by the bedroom of your adolescent and see a KEEP OUT sign that was not there the day before. If you could talk to your child about sensitive topics during his childhood, do not be surprised if all of the sudden he shies away from talking about gender and sexuality. Friends and peer groups are often more important than anything else in an adolescent’s life. At this point in a child’s life, being accepted by a peer group feels very important to him. To avoid being left out of a peer group, adolescents will behave in ways they think will make others accept them. Peer pressure becomes a powerful force.
Not all adolescents will have friends or be accepted by their peers. Adolescents will sometimes scapegoat, single out, or tease a classmate. Although this cruel behavior is not uncommon for adolescents, it is very painful for the adolescent who is singled out. If this should happen to your child, work with your child’s school on a “zero tolerance” rule for teasing and bullying. (That means the school will not put up with any teasing or bullying.) If your child is rejected by her or his peers, there are things you can do to help your child. It is important to listen to your child’s feelings, especially when she feels pain. Show her through your body language that you are listening; face her in a way that your eyes meet, and do not have your arms crossed, but rather have them more open. Show her that you are hearing her by sometimes repeating back what she has said. Do not try to “sugar coat” what she has said; really repeat back some of what she has just said, so she knows she is being heard by you and taken seriously.
Although there is nothing unacceptable about children born with DSDs, they are different than the average, and our society often pushes to the sides people who are different than the average. Your child may pick up on this by things she hears or sees around her—like mean remarks made about people who are sexually different than the average, or mean remarks made about people who were born with disabilities. Again, listen carefully to what your child is feeling. Also let your child know that she is much more than her DSD, so that when people make mean remarks about her, or people like her, they are being unfair in assuming that people like her are not okay. If you can help your child define who she is, as a whole person (such as a member of the school journalism club, a crew member in a local theatre group, a loving brother or sister to your younger children), then the bully’s power is reduced. You can help your child by finding out about activities that she can join, activities that can make her feel happy, proud, and accepted as who she is. Many times children who are teased at school will have a more positive experience in a setting outside of school, such as with a local children’s theatre group, a hobby club, or a sport group. Your child can, in this way, also expand her experiences and learn about who she is in the “big picture.”
As we mentioned above, puberty begins a time of sexual awakening for most early adolescents. They start to have active sexual feelings and feel definite physical attraction towards others. Adolescents begin to think about boyfriends, girlfriends, and dating. Your child may or may not have specific worries about sexuality, but worries about attractiveness and dating fears are common in all adolescents. As always, it is important to have sex education available to your child, through you and other resources. If you feel like you are in over your head on these issues, or your child wants to talk to someone else in addition to you, you may find it helpful to seek out a therapist with good knowledge of adolescent sexuality. Ask your child’s doctor and support groups for help in finding someone. 